I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
