I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
