TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
