tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
