I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
