Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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