I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
