You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
