After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
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The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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