just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
