We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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