I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
