well I can't set my house on fire every night
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
