i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
