I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
