So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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