Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
