My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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