So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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