I can text with my tongue
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
