I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
