I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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