My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
