I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
