i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
