you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
