My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
