maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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