So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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