Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
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Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
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This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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