Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
