Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
