Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
