we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
