why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
