On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i came on her dog
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
