Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
