she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
