Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
