dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
