I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
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he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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