The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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