glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
