Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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