this just has baby written all over it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She's the barista slut.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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