My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
