I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
