I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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