im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
