So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
love makes seman taste better
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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