The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
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I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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